Wanda's World Jokes and free animations

Here are a few one liner Jokes some are funny some are not.
It depends on the sense of humour you have

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A lady put a classified ad in the paper: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence

Young son: Is it true Dad? that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: opposed to what?

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late"

First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

This 80 year old man walks into a Hospital and says...
"I want to donate some sperm."
So the nurse gives him a jar and tells him to come back tomorrow with the sperm
The next day, He came back but the jar was empty...
So the nurse says. "What happened? Where's the sperm?"
"I went home and I tried so hard!
I used my right hand, and then my left hand.
Then my wife tried! She used her right hand and then she tried her left hand
Then she used her mouth... once using her teeth and once without.
Then we asked our neighbour to come over and she tried with her left hand
and then her right hand! Then she tried with her mouth...
once with her teeth and once without."
The nurse gasps. "Oh dear! You even asked your neighbour!"

The man says...
"Yeah and we still couldn't get the jar open!!!!!!”
Gotcha! ! !

Dirty minded aren't we?

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid (so that he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Come listed to a story bout a man named John,
Woke up one morning, found his throbbing penis gone. Lorena cut it off, then she got behind the wheel, drove down the road and tossed it in the field,

Well, the first thing you know, old John is looking pale, Cuz he just realized that he's no longer male. They stuck it back on, which took a while to do, Now it's a little short, but good as brand new.

Now we all watch the story on court TV., with pictures of the dork for all the world to see. To attack it on to John, must have been a clever trick, Court they named a river after him and called it Bloody Dick!

Now Lorena's out of jail, started a new life,
Teaching other woman how to handle a butcher knife. Men around the world are sleeping with their cocks, Held tightly in their hands and their balls in a box.

The Female always makes The Rules.
The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No Male can possibly know all The Rules. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
The Female is never wrong. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the Male did or said, wrong, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
The Male who doesn't abide by, The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone. And is a wimp.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding, rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count often.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend to help.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down under ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered Royal Dolton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard. Close door onto neck leaving head showing out. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
Consider giving cat to friend and call pet store to see if they have any more goldfish.

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